Complete Wedding Basics – 1, 2, 3

May 20th, 2009 | no responsesPosted by OIA Staff in Health & Lifestyle, Style, Travel

The engagement was perfect:  romance, wonder, laughter, tears and one gorgeous little band of white gold.  It had been everything you’d envisioned, and everything your partner had longed for it to be.

And now the pressure’s really on – Can the moment be topped?  Can the two of you pull together the seemingly endless details necessary to create your Dream Wedding Day?

Take a few deep breaths and read on:  Last issue, RWN helped to get you started with the basics…   This issue, we’ll see you through all the way to the honeymoon!

Remember, every big project is made up of many smaller steps, taken one at a time.  When the ceremony preparations feel overwhelming, keep this in mind.

Planning schedules are, for most couples, vital.  Whether you’re the type who makes notes in your blackberry, on the calendar on the fridge, or whether you go out and purchase a novel-sized official ‘Wedding Planner…’ do what it takes to keep yourselves organized.

But First… What’s the utmost important factor that all magnificent ceremonies are built upon??  Communication.  Talk with your fiancee (yes, you’re engaged now!), talk, talk and talk some more.

At first, and for a few weeks, when you’ve both decided you’re really serious about getting started, just let yourselves indulge and brainstorm and listen to each other.  Hold back from calling that caterer or running down referrals from friends.  Out at dinner, snuggling in bed, through email at work… find a variety of times and places to share your ideas and just simply talk.

When you were a child, did you dream of Your Wedding Day?  What was it like?

If we had no budget limit, what crazy and exciting additions would we indulge in for our ceremony?  our honeymoon?

What are some ideas you’ve seen or heard about at other couples’ weddings, that you really thought where incredible?  Think of decorative ideas, favors or particular ceremonial aspects that were truly inspiring.

Rate the facets of the wedding, in order of importance to you:  the spiritual aspects, rituals, music, gathering the family, honoring your commitment with your partner, the party…

(12 ms-6ms prior to Your Day)

Set Your Budget: This will help the two of you decide what type of venue you’ll have, how many guests will be invited, what types of amenities you’ll include.  Be Realistic about your finances; at the same time remember that this is Your Special Day.  Many very meaningful ceremonies have been designed under $5000… others have reached $50K or even double that.

Set the Date: Based on the ideas you and your partner have brainstormed together, and now knowing a timeframe necessary to build your budget… it’s time to pick the date!  Numerology, seasonal preferences, venue or officiant availability all play a part.  Have fun with this big decision!

Wedding Coordinator? The answer will vary for every couple.  A coordinator or consultant can take away much of your stress, will keep your planning on schedule, and will serve as an advocate for you should the need arise.  Many offer a la carte services, which can help trim your expenses and may best suit your personal style.  *Remember:  Many ceremony or reception venues offer on-site coordination services.  *Often, a best friend would love to help out – ask for what you need!

Telling the Family: Many will be overjoyed for you, but even if you’ve been out of the closet for years, sometimes the subject of a wedding will send Mom, Dad or Grandma for a loop.  After all, being gay is one thing – committing to it long-term through marriage can seem like another.  Give them time.  Also, remember that the upcoming event is yours, not theirs… and with that in mind, do your best to distance yourself emotionally from their lack of enthusiasm.  But if their response affects your own joy for an extended period, take some serious time to deal with it honestly.  -The investment you make now in resolving some of the issues will only serve to benefit you (and your marriage) in the years to come.

Pre-Marital Counseling: One great saying goes, “When things are smooth sailing, it’s time for counseling.”  -You’re infatuated with each other, hungry to learn all there is to know about this amazing being who’s agreed to be your partner for life.  What an opportunity, now that eyes and ears are wide open, to truly get to know one another.  Pre-marital counseling will help you to identify communication styles, as well as the goals and fears that tend to be your fiancee’s driving force.  Preparing some conflict resolution strategies in advance will also help to insure the success of your relationship.  *Remember, you’ve been working hard to secure equal marriage rights for the GLBT community; it’s one more reason not to take your personal commitment to each other lightly.

Register for Gifts: Now’s the time to begin a Registry for your gift selections.  It may seem early, but once your other preparations begin moving along, the ceremony planning will seem -in a good way- rather consuming.  Take this time to savor picking out ideal gift ideas, and remember, you can revisit your registry many times in the months ahead to update your selections.

Many gay and lesbian couples have been together for years prior to planning their ceremony; they often don’t see a need for guests to bring traditional gifts.  There are other options!  Non-traditional gifts may be perfect, such as those home decor items you haven’t yet splurged on for yourselves (that ideal double hammock… the lush, bath-size matching towels… new cutlery or that juicer you’ve been dreaming about…)  Or, many couples set up a honeymoon registry or a savings account to which guests may contribute toward the downpayment on their new home, or toward a charitable organization.

Your guests truly want to bring gifts, to help celebrate Your Special Day. Energetically and emotionally, it is an integral way for them to complete the cycle of commemorating your joy.  So be sure to find some method to adapt the ritual that seems fitting for you and your partner, as well as for those who wish to give.

Engagement Photos: Yes, yes, yes!

Many couples think twice about this little indulgence, postponing the idea until the ceremony itself is suddenly upon them.  Don’t let that happen!  Even if you’re shy about the camera, or you’re thinking consciously about losing that extra pound or two… set a date with your photographer (or even a friend at the local park) and take the time to make it happen. You’ll be surprised just how many ways you’ll find later to use and enjoy the engagement photos:  personalized labels on bottles of wine at the wedding, inserts in holiday cards, and of course keepsakes later on.  The engagement photos will become one of those cherished little treasures in the years ahead.

Reserve Select Vendors:  This goes hand-in-hand with setting your official Wedding Date, of course.  But if you haven’t already, be sure to reserve placement with your chosen ceremony site and reception venue, and with your officiant, DJ, caterer and photographer.  And it won’t be long before you’ll want to place an order for your invitations.

Take time to make a Wish-List, of all the ideal services you would like to have for Your Special Day:  the perfect décor, the horse-drawn carriage for your grand entrance, the most delectable custom wedding cake (plus the grooms’ cakes plus the chocolate fountain!…), the high-end videographer, the tailored apparel and the perfect shoes, the Bentley for your memorable goodbyes after the reception…  Then prioritize, as to which services are really most important, and be sure to begin booking those vendors first.  Later, as the plans continue to unfold and your budget adapts, you may find that in fact you can add in more of those extra-special Wish items than you originally thought possible.

(6 ms-4ms prior to Your Day)

Begin Guest List: For many, the creation of the Guest List is an easy task; for others it can be challenging to whittle down the numbers to a final count that is actually manageable for your event.  Your Wedding Coordinator can help with specific ideas about how to ‘qualify’ those extended family members and distant friends, to decide whether or not they ought to make the final cut… but overall, the process ought to be a fun one as you choose who you both would like to witness and share this auspicious day with you.  If the task feels burdensome, allow yourself to come back to it in a few days:  developing the final Guest List may take many weeks.

Fitness Plan / Beauty Regimen: You’ll thank yourself for making an early start with a Fitness Plan and for playing with ideas about the style you’ll be choosing for yourself on The Big Day.  This will give you plenty of time to get to the gym regularly, or to set appointments with your stylist to try out different looks.  Many lesbian brides or traditional grooms don’t make hair and make-up a priority, and that of course is perfectly acceptable:  Your ceremony ought to reflect your own authenticity.   It is sometimes the case, however, that trying out different ideas and allowing yourself to play with new looks may just surprise you.  You may find that adding a new flair just for your wedding day will make the occasion that much more exciting and memorable!

Engagement Party Planning: If you’re considering a shower or engagement party, but aren’t quite sure…  take your Attendants or best friend out to lunch and ask them to help out with a brainstorming session.  No doubt they’ll have some wild suggestions of their own, but in the end you may come to realize that this preliminary mini-celebration is in fact a good idea.

These days, many couples (both same-sex as well as alternative hetero-) choose to hold one engagement party together.  Others of course, will prefer to have separate showers.  -Double the fun!  Either way, the engagement party is meant to combine the unbridled spirit of the ‘last hurrah’ along with a less formal way to celebrate the fact that this very important life milestone is about to take place.  It also serves to relax and rejuvenate, which can be quite welcome after months of planning your ceremony and dealing with the usual family craziness that such an event can stir up.

While it’s not yet the day for the Engagement Party to take place, now is indeed the time to begin planning for it.  Take advantage of the fact that these arrangements ought to be lighter than the work you’re doing for your ceremony and reception:  take a break from the harder efforts, indulge in the wilder side and enjoy!

Meet with Your Lawyer: Heterosexual couples are endowed immediately with certain rights and responsibilities once their official marriage license is filed.  This process is not so easy nor convenient for two brides or two grooms.  And unfortunately, you will begin protecting yourselves now… but unlike hetero- couples, you and your partner will absolutely need to revisit these important legal matters time and again throughout your lifetimes.  As laws change and the political mood fluctuates, you will simply want to be sure to check over this documentation every five years or so.

Every state is different.  If you are lucky enough to live in Massachusetts, where same-sex marriage is currently legal, then the paperwork may be a little more standardized.  However, in other states (including those such as Vermont and Connecticut, that allow civil unions) you and your partner will want to sit down with your legal advisor and draw up appropriate documentation to outline the logistics of your relationship.  -Financial issues, home ownership, child custody, powers of attorney, wills and trusts will all be issues you will want to address.  And do not think twice about consulting with more than one advisor:  many lawyers today do not have particular experience in the area of family law for same-sex couples and it’s important that you make sure you feel well-protected.

*Remember: Get involved with your local gay rights organization or family equality group!  As citizens, we must continue to strive for fair and equal representation under the law.  It is a responsibility we each must take seriously, in order to enact real change.

Research Additional Vendors: Continue to check your planning list for the services you still need for your ceremony, so that nothing is overlooked as the date gets near.  Remember to follow-up with referrals, as many of your favorite vendors will be discovered this way.  Attend local Wedding Expos or even consider a business fair, and keep in mind that oftentimes the local GLBT Chamber of Commerce or your local Gay Community Center can be a great resource for diversified companies and services.  *Note:  Have you updated your gift registry recently?

There are several online resources as well, to help with your planning.  *Remember:  RainbowWeddingNetwork.com provides an extensive directory right at your fingertips, with over 5000 screened GLBT-friendly vendors ready to work with you and your partner!

Top Picks as You’re Planning-

Outvite.com – invitations, announcements & more for the gay and lesbian community

Frank DiMeo Photography – photography for your special day

The Marriott Hotels – beautiful venues for your reception, nationwide

InForm – custom jewelry designed to accent your relationship

Go2SouthAfrica.com – once-in-a-lifetime travel escapes

Wedding Feather Banners – unique décor for your ceremony

Your Ketubah & Custom Wedding Vows by Ellie Siegel – true keepsakes to treasure forever

CruiseOne – ideal honeymoon travel cruises

Selecting the Rings: There are so very many options!  While rings, specifically, are not necessary for the completion of your ceremony, most couples today agree that the tradition of the wedding band is one of the most important customs they wish to include.

The circular band signifies the ongoing permanence of the marriage commitment.  The exchange of the rings during the ceremony signifies the reciprocity of each partner’s pledge, as verbalized through their vows.  The engagement ring symbolizes the initial promise that was made, and the wedding band secures that promise eternal.

Indeed, the ring represents a beautiful message.  Therefore, it ought to be with great care that you choose this little piece of jewelry that will carry the message with each of you into the future.  Whether your style is to pick on a whim, or to think through every aspect of the band (particular elements of the metal, accent inscriptions or gemstone inlays…) make the choice out of genuineness and with a heartfelt intent.  It will insure that the ring remains perfect for you even decades after your wedding day.

Honeymoon Travel: The Number One Dream Gift that same-sex couples across the nation prefer?  -Having both families, in the spirit of tolerance and happiness, in attendance at their wedding.  And the second choice in a Dream Gift?  -A wonderful honeymoon excursion, preferably all-expenses paid!

Newlyweds who choose to honeymoon immediately after their wedding also report that they are extremely glad they indulged.  The combination of relaxing together and basking in the newness of the marriage somehow create the most romantic moments.  It’s often hard for couples to recapture that exact atmosphere a year or two later, if they delay their honeymoon.

Whether exotic, such as a Hawaiian travel adventure… or low-key, such as a week’s stay at a nearby lakefront hotel, the place and the budget ultimately are not what matters.  You and your partner have earned some special time together – enjoy!

(4 ms-2ms prior to Your Day)

Musical Selections: Years and years ago, you may have known the exact song you would pick for your first dance with your new spouse… but many of the other selections will take some time and consideration.

If you are composing your own music, now is certainly the timeframe to make a solid start.

If you are hiring a musical ensemble for your ceremony, then be sure to dialogue at length with them about your vision.  Your officiant and wedding consultant may also want to be involved with this conversation, as important decisions are made concerning background music, setting the tone, varying tempos, etc.  Ceremony music is a wonderful addition:  it helps to create the mood early on for your guests as they arrive and are seated.  The music will no doubt help to relax them into the festivities, especially if there remains any awkwardness due to the fact that this may be the first time some have attended a same-sex wedding.

Selections for your reception music likely will be made at one of the meetings with your DJ.  Keep the lines of communication with your DJ clear and specific (as with all your wedding professionals.)  He or she will appreciate your candidness about any requests you may have, as well as any additional information you want to provide concerning theme and tone.  It will only help them to serve you more successfully, and more fully to share in your excitement.  Let the Party Begin!

Fittings: By now, you’re trying on different apparel and making your final choices regarding ceremony attire for yourselves as well as for your attendants.  Be sure to schedule fittings and place orders for all that you’ll need (including accessories) – That Special Day is getting closer!

Save-the-Date: Ahh, the wonders of the internet!  These days, it’s easy to send off save-the-date announcements to your guest list.  One batch of emails and you’re done!  However, if you prefer the traditional, handwriting the envelopes can get tedious and time-consuming, so remember to allow yourself several days for the task.  Be sure to note any address changes or updates to the final guest list for later use with the invitations.

*Remember: Professional calligraphers can be a miraculous gift to yourselves!  If you have the budget, consider hiring someone to help with the mailouts; it will add a moment of respite for you during this hectic time.  *Note:  Have you ordered your invitations yet?

Preparing Your Vows: Many officiants recall that the most touching vows they’ve ever witnessed have been exchanged between same-sex partners.  It’s true – when planning our ceremonies, as two brides or two grooms we must make very conscious choices about every detail of the event  (as opposed to heterosexual couples, who oftentimes simply flow with tradition.)  Even seemingly simple details require forethought: poses for the formal portraits, given the fact that the partners may be very close in height, for instance; or exact phrasing to be used by the officiant or DJ when introducing the happy couple.  This heightened level of conscious consideration often leads to very heartfelt and substantive celebrations, noted by wedding vendors, family members and guests alike.

Most gay and lesbian couples choose to write their own vows, but don’t feel pressured!  There are many excellent resources available, and your officiant or friends may have helpful ideas as well.  Don’t be shy to ask around – imagine how moved your parents or favorite uncle or aunt would be if you chose to make use of one of the vows they promised to their spouse so many years ago?

Getting Started!

Writing Your Own Vows

Make the extra effort to purchase several special pieces of paper:  a light hue of honey melon, nostalgic parchment, thin papyrus embossed with gold edging…  Set aside a quiet time for yourself (or for the two of you together), such as an evening with candlelight or a full afternoon on Saturday.  Allow yourselves to relax into the moment, and then begin setting words or phrases down on the paper that are meaningful to you:  “sacred,” “believe,” “honor,”  “you are where my hope lives,” “our path,” “becoming one…”

Think back on favorite poetic passages or musical lyrics for inspiration; before you know it, the page will be filled with a flurry of beautiful words.  And as the weeks pass, save notes while you listen to the radio, jot down insights or research your favorite writers’ works to add fresh ideas to the list.

These sweet beginnings will lead to the flow of sentences that will ultimately become your Wedding Vows.

(8 wks-6wks prior to Your Day)

Send Invitations: Your first hard deadline!  Six to eight weeks prior to your wedding date, you’ll send out the invitations.  That guest list you’ve toiled over is finalized, you’ve investigated the proper etiquette for placement of the invitation, response card and other enclosures within the envelope… and you’re that much closer to Your Special Day!

Doublecheck Your Planning List: Have you overlooked any vital details?  -Boutonnieres, decorative florals, favors, the caketopper, accessories (necklaces, suspenders, petal baskets or ring pillows, guest book, name card holders, ‘Something old, something new’…)  Walk yourself through the entire ceremony, reception and honeymoon to be sure you have everything in order.  And if not, there’s still time to fill in those missing details!

Finalize Your Documents: Depending on your state of residence, you may be required to file for a marriage license or submit a request for domestic partnership status.  Or, if one of you plans to change your last name, that process does take time.  Your officiant will likely provide a marriage certificate of some kind, for you and your witnesses to sign at the ceremony, but you will want to check.  Many officiants do not have access to certificates specifically written for same-sex couples, so you may have to purchase or create one of your own.

Now is also the time to doublecheck that your passports and travel itineraries are being processed accurately, so as to avoid any surprises later on.

Engagement Announcement: Your local news outlets may welcome same-sex engagement announcements, or they may not.  In most cases, the question probably has never been posed to your mainstream newspaper editors before.  It’s up to you as to whether you’d like to formalize your announcement, and broach the subject.  As with John Scott, Jr. and partner Paul Davidson in Warrensburg, MO, you may find that your choice results in national attention!

Most cities of course also have alternative papers or GLBT-specific news publications.  Some are set up to accept personal announcements, but many simply are not geared toward weddings or commitment ceremonies.  It may take a little research and some flexibility on your part if you would like to publish a formal engagement announcement.

(One month prior to Your Day)

Confirm Reservations: It’s never a bad idea to confirm with your ceremony vendors that everything is set for Your Special Day.  Any last minute questions can be answered, and you can rest assured that the logistics of your day will flow along without any major issues.  If you have a wedding coordinator, he or she undoubtedly will take care of these last phone calls on your behalf.

• Ceremony, reception and rehearsal dinner venues
• Photographer, DJ, Videographer, Musicians, Caterer, Florist, Rental Company, Limousine or Transportation Service, Officiant
• Guest Accommodations
• Travel Agent or Honeymoon Getaway
• Final Alterations, Beauty & Style Appointment

Gift-Buying: Aren’t you supposed to be the happy recipients of all the goodies??  Of course! but it’s also true that you’ll want to show your gratitude to those who’ll play an important part in your upcoming event.  Saying ‘thanks’, sharing hugs and providing timely payment for services rendered all are much appreciated, but you may find that it suits your style to offer another token of kindness.  It may add to your own joy, to gift a little something to your ceremony officiant, wedding coordinator, attendants, out-of-town guests and other special helpers or friends.  And if you want to buy a gift for one but not another -yet don’t want to leave anyone out- a handwritten card will suffice.

Don’t forget Your Sweetie! Decades ago, it was customary for newlyweds to present gifts to one another at the wedding.  Of course, your love is the highest gift, but if you’re considering something more, a keepsake, family heirloom, special song or an unexpected honeymoon surprise might each be a wonderful addition.

Seating: By now, your wedding coordinator has no doubt cornered you to discuss seating arrangements and name cards for the reception.  If instead the task falls to you, relax… it is not a difficult one.

Certainly, family dynamics can pose particular challenges; however, receptions have a way of helping anyone slough off their dusty grudges or the day’s awkwardness… so don’t make too much of the organization.  With your partner, design an overall layout plan given your number of tables and the activities planned for the reception, and that should get you started.

And remember, serendipitous exchanges and lots of laughter take place at receptions:  Yours will be no different, so don’t try to over-control.

As for the day of the ceremony, there are many fun and trendy ways to distribute name cards.  Feel free to ask your floral designer, wedding coordinator or décor professional for ideas about how to involve your guests as much as possible in this simple but necessary organizational detail:  Getting them interactive at the outset of the reception will get the party started that much faster!

Preparing Speeches & Toasts: Even if you are not planning a formal toast at your reception, you will want to spend time considering what you might want to say should the moment arise.  During all the emotions of Your Special Day, you may find yourself nervous or overwhelmed or simply speechless… and a little preparation may go a long way.

Official ‘Thank-You’ toasts are quite sentimental; if you anticipate a special lifelong friend will be in attendance, or you wish to verbalize appreciation to your parents for their support, doing so before your entire reception party will be extremely memorable.  Many newlyweds improvise their toasts or announcements and others bring along handwritten notes.  Either way, practicing in advance will help you feel that much more comfortable for this very momentous occasion.

Engagement Party/ies: The Big Day is nearly here!  Enjoy yourselves and make a point to r-e-l-a-x.  Investing in the opportunity to breathe easy, let tensions subside and loosen up will truly make a difference in the days ahead.

Pick up Rings & Attire: Sometimes couples are so busy with all the excitement, that last-minute details suddenly slip their minds.  Remember the basic must-have’s and must-do’s for your ceremony day, such as fetching the wedding rings from the jeweler and picking up the formal wear from the tailor!  *Remember:  Your Maid of Honor, Best Man or Wedding Coordinator are all there to help – be sure to ask them to do their part to ensure that nothing important is overlooked.  And never think twice about delegating responsibilities these last several days.

Pre-pay Vendors: Most wedding professionals will discuss this detail with you in advance – they will require a deposit and then bill you for the remainder after the ceremony.  However you may feel better about paying several of your ceremony vendors beforehand.  It will be one less bill you’ll have to deal with later; moreover it will honor their hard work and gracious service.  For instance, you may want to pre-pay your officiant, as he or she is playing such a vital role in your wedding day.

(Finale!)

The Day has arrived!  Your Rehearsal, Ceremony, Reception and Honeymoon are finally here.  For months, your focus has been on the aspects of planning and the logistics of this very important event.  Now, you must leave those details to themselves and instead focus once again on the very heart of the matter…Your partner.

Take time in the morning before your Rehearsal, as well as the morning before your Ceremony, to reflect on what it is that makes these coming moments miraculous for you.  -You have finally found the love of your life, and here you are, about to gather with family and friends to proclaim it so.  What is it in your partner’s eyes and heart and soul that at times moves you to tender laughter, or to tears of joy?  What is it that yearns within you to stand beside this person through the years ahead, and ever re-commit to walking this journey of life together?

Savor these moments.  They are timeless, and it will nourish you years into the future to recall that you cherished Your Special Day to the fullest.

Congratulations!

by Marianne Puechl, senior editor & co-founder
RainbowWeddingNetwork Magazine

Tags: civil unions, connecticut, Family, Finance, lesbian, Marriage, massachusetts, Sweet, Travel, vermont