5 Concrete Things You Can Do To Improve Your Relationship

by Pace and Kyeli

1.  Listen to your partner.

It sounds simple, but conversation generally means “You talk, I prepare my response instead of listening, then you prepare your response instead of listening.”  I’m talking about stopping that subtle auto-responder that plays in your head – no accusations, we all have one – and seriously tuning in to what your partner is saying, whether it’s about their day, their emotions, their dog, or your relationship.  Really listening to each other will bring you closer and make you feel more in touch with each other.

2. Remember how different you are.

When we’re in a relationship, particularly for a long time, we have a tendency to munge ourselves together.  Our edges blur, our behaviors alter, and our differences become less obvious.  But we’re all vastly different, even when we feel similar – even with those we love the most.  We even have our own specialized dialect of our native language.  Words and actions mean different things to me than they will to my partner or my friends.  Keeping this in mind will help you relate when you feel like your partner is acting like an alien ate their brain and you can’t figure out what’s going on.

3.  Learn to speak each other’s love language.

Everyone gives and receives love in their own particular way.  For example, I give presents to express my affection, and getting presents makes me feel loved and considered.  Learning what makes your partner feel loved will help you figure out what to do when you’re wanting to express that.  If you give flowers but she never seems appreciative, you’re likely speaking the wrong language.  If you’re giving a backrub but he gets all tense, you’re likely speaking the wrong language. Just as we’re all different, we all have differing needs and wants – and learning what they are is a huge step toward strengthening your connections.  Gary Chapman wrote books about this subject, and I highly recommend them.

4.  Ask for what you want.

All too often, we expect our partners to know what we want, but we’re not mind-readers.  If I want cake and just sit around expecting my lovely wife to bring me cake, I’m going to be continually disappointed in the lack of cake.  But if I ask for it, if I say, “Hey, Pace, I’d like you to give me some cake,” she might just do it – and then I get what I want.  Worst case scenario, she says, “So get some!” – but at least then I know I’m on my own.  It’s surprisingly effective, and even if you don’t get what you ask for, at least you’ll know where you stand. But you’ll never know if you don’t ask.

5.  Talk about the happiness you feel.

We all get bogged down; life is stressful, and we tend to focus on the negative.  It’s natural – our brains are geared to remember the bad things (like, say, a tiger near the watering hole) so we don’t get eaten.  Our modern-day stresses are far less dangerous than that tiger, but our brains are hard-wired and not easily convinced otherwise.  An easy counter-trick for this is to say out loud, “That makes me really happy!” whenever something does.  This brings more joy into your life, and surprisingly brings more joy into the lives of those interacting with you – and joy breeds deeper connections and happier relationships.

Pace and Kyeli are a dynamic duo and together consist of three out of the four GLBT labels (Kyeli is L and Pace is BT).  They teach communication, personal growth, and relationship awesomeification as well as lead the Freak Revolution, a fast-growing community of alternative people dedicated to making big changes in the world.  You can check it all out at www.FreakRevolution.com.  They also wrote a book on communication entitled “The Usual Error: Why We Don’t Understand Each Other and 34 Ways to Make It Better”, which can be purchased at www.usualerror.com.

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