Balancing Your Heart, Mind and Junk

Testosterone:  when you put two gay/bi/trans (GBT) men together, you’ve got lots of it.  Is this why we GBT men are often accused by hetero society of putting too much emphasis on sex?  Is it true that GBT guys have a lot more sex than straight guys do?  If so, is it because we can, we want to, or we just can’t help it?  How do we integrate sex and love in our relationships?  Are some relationships so sex-based that there’s no chance of an emotional or intellectual connection?  Are other relationships so emotional and “heady” that when sex happens, it’s totally lame?  How do we, as GBT men, balance our heart, mind and dick?  Whether you call it “high libido”, “too much testosterone” or “just plain horny”:  how can you get your thoughts, emotions and sex drive to work together?

In any meaningful man-to-man relationship, we need to balance the desires and demands of our heart, mind and dick.  For example, when you meet a guy and feel an attraction, how and when do you decide to have sex with him?  Is it right off the bat, when your heart and mind barely know the guy?  Or is it later on, when your libido has been moderated by the wisdom of your mind and the feelings in your heart?  I’m not here to tell you that there’s one RIGHT way to do it.  I had a client who met a guy at a bathhouse, had great sex with him, exchanged numbers…you know.  Then, the next day, he thought about this guy and wondered if there might be much more possible with this guy, e.g., a relationship.  Initially, my client’s dick had called the shots, but now his mind (thoughts) and heat (feelings) had kicked in.  He came to me asking, “How can I turn a hot trick into a possible relationship?” Another way to say this is:  How can I have a relationship where my mind, heart and dick are all working together?

Let’s look at the heart first:  the heart is all about emotions and feelings.  When you’re getting to know a guy, take some time and check in with yourself:  what are you feeling?  What emotions are you aware of?  This is your heart speaking.  To hear it, you have to look inward.  Is your heart happy when you think about this guy?  When you hear his voice, do you feel good?  When you’re near him, does your heart beat faster?  Your may be heart telling you that there are deep feelings there.

Now let’s check in with your head:  your thoughts, the rational, logical part of your brain.  This is where most of us live most of the time:  thinking, judging, analyzing, obsessing, etc.  Sometimes we have lots of “voices” in our head, and they fight each other.  One voice says, “There’s potential here with this guy, he’s a lot nicer/smarter/funnier than I expected…could he be boyfriend material?”  You may also hear another voice, that says, “Oh yeah, right, like this sex date is going to turn into a deep, meaningful relationship.  Don’t be an idiot, you got your rocks off, move on!”  You might hear both voices giving you conflicting advice simultaneously.  This isn’t unusual, but it’s these internal debates that often keep us stuck.  When you can’t stop arguing with yourself, it can be crazy-making!  This is your head at its worst.

There are lots of articles about getting in touch with your feelings (heart) and getting clear on what you’re thinking (mind), but surprisingly few on making peace with your testosterone-driven friend:  your dick.  Watching man-on-man porn, you’d think that hard dicks and great orgasms are all that counts in GBT life.  Very few porn videos show more than dicks in charge:  where is the intelligence, the emotion?  Heart and mind have been left behind.  Sure, there’s kissing in some of them, but do they ever have intelligent conversations?  Heart-to-heart conversations?  Rarely.  Way too much GBT culture emphasizes the dick part of relationships and leaves the mind and heart far behind.  Indeed, the mind and heart are almost seen as “girly” or “feminine” parts of man-to-man relationships.  And yet, without the mind and heart’s involvement, our relationships – from dating to long term relationships – are doomed.

Really good sex – and any successful ongoing relationship – requires the simultaneous involvement of your thoughts, emotions and libido.  Simply put:  why not let your dick become good friends with your thoughts and feelings?  They’re really like the Three Musketeers:  “All for one and one for all”.  When they work together, life is sweet.  They’re all interrelated anyway.  Ever noticed how a good sexual relationship is mostly mental?  Check it out:  the next time you’re making love with a guy you really like, notice what makes you excited…both mentally and physically.  When you masturbate, what fantasies do you have of this guy?  What is he doing to you?  What’s he saying?  This is all in your head:  it’s all your thoughts.  Thoughts create feelings, and the feelings work in harmony with the pleasant physical sensations to create great sex, alone or not.

And what about your heart?  By this, I mean your emotions.  People who have addictive sexual behavior are rarely in touch with their emotions.  Their dicks are running wild without any emotional connection to the guys they have sex with.  Their emotional hunger never gets satisfied and they need to keep looking for the next man, and the next one after that.  Without having your heart involved in a relationship, the sex is likely to be meaningless and leave you feeling empty.  It’s hard on your self-esteem too.  Emotions are what bond us to other people; they’re a primal part of any good sexual relationship.

While testosterone (e.g., our libido/sex drive) is a powerful force, we don’t need to let it run our lives.  Just because we can have lots of sex, will it bring us real satisfaction?  We seldom benefit from relationships totally focused on sex, nor the opposite.  When we’re conscious about the role our heart, mind and dick play in our relationships, we can maintain a good balance of the three.  Sure, some days the balance may be a bit skewed, but, overall, the best relationships (monogamous or not) are those where your mind is attracted to someone, your heart feels affection and connection and your dick gets just the right amount of attention too.

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