Can You Buy Happiness? – life beyond therapy

Please consider the following question:  “Do we see ourselves as people with aspirations of patience and empathy towards our brothers and sisters or – instead – as consumers who are entitled to the best stuff this world has to offer, so we’d better get out there and get as much of it as we can?”  I know I’ve set it up as an either/or proposition here, but bear with me.  Whether you’re a Buddhist monk or a reality show star, isn’t happiness your goal?  And, if so, how do you get happiness?  Can you buy it?  If so, where do you get it and how much will it cost?  If you can’t buy it, what are your alternatives?

Many of us happiness-seekers have big problems with delayed gratification, especially those of us raised in more recent times where advertising shouts at us, “Get it now, don’t wait, only an idiot would be patient.”  It feels like we’re leaving our hearts and minds behind as we focus instead on accumulating as much cool stuff as we can.  That L’Oreal commercial “Because I’m worth it” sums it all up.  As an advertising slogan, it’s awfully good.  It messes with our heads because…of course we’re worth it.  We’re worth whatever we want.  Don’t we deserve whatever we want?  This kind of thinking can suck anyone into a whirlpool of spending, temporary satisfaction, and – ultimately – depression that leads to more spending and eventual debt.  Debt does not equal happiness, can we agree on that?

We all want to be happy and being a good consumer looks like an easy path to get there.  Really good advertising – and there’s a lot of it around these days – tries to manipulate our emotions.  As a result, it’s no surprise that so many of us feel we’re not living up to our (earning/achieving/sexual) potential and are cosmic losers.  This doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy nice things.  But, it’s wise not to make them the most important thing in your life.  If you have money and beautiful objects, great!  But if you don’t, can you be okay with that too?  Or will it suck you down into depression?

Let’s ratchet up the consumerism dial and ask another question: are we people or are we brands?  I recently read how a young gay man had decided to turn himself into a brand so he could become wealthy and popular. This is not the way to happiness.  If it worked, Paris Hilton would be up there with the Dalai Lama and Mother Teresa.  This young writer stated that, “typically younger gay males 17-21, use skills they’ve yet to learn in marketing 101, and turn themselves into a product, complete with brand recognition…branding one’s self (sic) is the new way to claim a piece of fame in our local bar and club scene”.  This could be amusing if it were playful, but it’s pretty damned sad to me.  Do we want a piece of fame so badly that we’re willing to commodify ourselves to get it?  So much for having personality, intelligence and social skills.  Am I just an old fart who wonders why integrity, honesty and patience don’t matter anymore?  Maybe so.

Being a big-time consumer and turning yourself into a brand may get you some good stuff, but it usually brings anxiety and depression, NOT happiness.  Author Patricia Pearson, in her terrific book, A Brief History of Anxiety (Yours and Mine, found that 28.8% of Americans will suffer anxiety in their lifetime – the highest level in the world – and that $4.2 Billion is spent annually, in the USA alone, on treating anxiety.  I posit that there is a relationship between the crazy anxiety epidemic in this country and the out-of-control consumerism that so many of us get sucked into.  As a therapist, I typically see several people a month who have racked up huge debt as a result of the “I’m worth it” school of thought.  Believe me, they don’t come to me because they’re happy…they come to me because they want to find a way out of the low self-worth that comes from thinking you’re nothing but your brand, your house, your clothes or your stuff.

As someone who has a comfortable home, nice car and enjoys clothes, music and eating out, I am not recommending that you give up the basic comforts you’ve worked so hard for.  What I AM putting out for your consideration, however, is the idea that you cannot buy happiness, you can only buy things, and the happiness that comes from things is temporary.  Even if you become as popular a “brand” as Pepsi, Madonna or L’Oreal, happiness, peace of mind, friendship and a wonderful lover do not come with the package.  Those joys typically come to us another way:  through patience, humility, honesty, kindness and empathy to others.

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