Out in America Features» Opinion

Psychological Santa to the Rescue! – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:22:34 +0000

For lots of people, December is the month from hell: this time of year often brings crazy-scary sets of expectations and dread. We are bombarded with media images encouraging us to buy stuff and to be happy…and if we don’t, we’re failures. This is a sure set-up for depression and disappointment. But, never fear! Allow [...]

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The Man Machine – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 18:40:49 +0000

Sometimes I wonder what to write about in this column. This week, I didn’t have to wonder for long. Two media images hit me over the head like a hammer: ‘We’ve assembled the hottest guys” claims a gay website with a photo of a beautiful young man in a Frankenstein-like laboratory. The image encourages us [...]

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Certain Sapphic Addictions – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 16:41:48 +0000

My partner and I are both going through withdrawal. It ain’t pretty. We’re not addicted to drugs, alcohol, porn, sex, love, cigarettes, texting or gambling. I’ll bet you a case of gin we’re not. No, our addictions have a lesbian flare. Anne is mad for the Seattle Lesbian & Gay Film Festival, while I’m obsessed [...]

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16 Reasons We Should Be Protesting – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 14:38:19 +0000

My view of the Occupy Wall Street protest is that it’s an unfocused jumble, but at least somebody’s doing something. At last. What began with a few dozen demonstrators on Wall Street has grown into a national conniption over corporate greed and government collusion. It’s easy for those in power to dismiss the protesters as [...]

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GLBT History Month 2011 – Updated Daily

OIA Staff — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 06:00:01 +0000

LGBT History Month celebrates the achievements of 31 lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender Icons. Read the full article @ GLBT History Month 2011 – Updated Daily Read more articles @ our blogBecome a fan on FacebookFollow us on Twitter

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UNREAL: The Haggards on Reality TV – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 18:29:06 +0000

By now you’ve heard—and maybe not believed—that disgraced preacher Ted Haggard and his wife Gayle will appear on “Celebrity Wife Swap.” Actor Gary Busey and his baby mama Steffanie Sampson are scheduled to be the other fun couple. I have to think Gayle Haggard had major qualms about participating. I can just hear her praying [...]

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Finding Your Perfect Partner – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 17:03:15 +0000

Over the past few years, I have done quite a few workshops on this topic: it appears to be a never-ending challenge for us all. We all have this idea of the “perfect” partner, and many of us feel disappointed and even annoyed when we don’t get him or her. A few questions to get [...]

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Find Me a Find – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 14:10:58 +0000

Yente would plotz. The matchmaker in “Fiddler on the Roof” would have a coronary over the kind of matchmaking being practiced these days. And by a rabbi, no less. The shmendrik. For his part, Rabbi Arele Harel doesn’t need criticism from fictional characters, as he’s receiving plenty from real people who are angry over his [...]

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A Touch of the Divine in Florida – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 14:19:57 +0000

Whether or not you’ve heard of Jerry Buell, in a few minutes you’re going to find it hard to forget him. Buell is a high school teacher in Mount Dora, Fla., who posted on Facebook that he “almost threw up” when he heard about New York’s legalization of gay marriage. He said same-sex unions were [...]

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Dating with the Buddha – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 17:46:14 +0000

How can you bring spirituality and humor to dating? Or, as one writer so aptly put it: What if the Buddha dated? How would he handle getting to know someone? How would he bring spirituality and “enlightenment” to the process? Although as far as I know, the Buddha didn’t date (supposedly, he left his wife [...]

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Same Gender Means Some Problems – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 18:08:26 +0000

You might enter into a same-sex relationship thinking you know all the troubles that lie ahead. Discrimination, rejection by family and friends, spending eternity in hell—none of that is news. But I’ll bet you never considered the bundle of difficulties caused by being in a relationship with someone who’s a lot like you. Someone with [...]

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A Broken Heart – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 17:10:43 +0000

Who among us hasn’t has our heart broken, at least once? It’s impossible to get through life without it. People are unpredictable, they hurt us despite their best intentions. Pets, partners, beloved friends and relatives die. We fall in love with someone who doesn’t feel as we do. And when it happens, we’re surprised how [...]

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A Donkey’s Work Is Never Done – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 20:52:15 +0000

Jerusalem just held its Pride parade, and over 4,000 people marched. There were protesters, and one person was arrested for throwing stink bombs, but on the whole Jerusalem’s 10th annual March for Pride and Tolerance went well. Because the asses never got there. I shall explain. On the day of the parade, police stopped four [...]

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When you’re the “other” (wo)man – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 19:28:47 +0000

Dear Michael: I’ve noticed you give good advice to people in thorny situations, so here’s another one: I went to a party and met this guy, “Tom”. He was really cute and I liked him and we flirted and kissed and before I knew it we were at my house fucking like bunnies. So far, [...]

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California First State to include LGBT History | dot429 article

OIA Staff — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 14:37:55 +0000

Along with the civil rights and women’s suffrage movements, the LGBT community became the newest minority whose struggles will be taught to California schoolchildren. On Thursday July, 14th Governor Jerry Brown (D) signed SB48 into law, which will make LGBT history a part of California’s public school curriculum. The law was created in response to [...]

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Gay History Lands in the Lesson Plan – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 13:24:54 +0000

News item: California is the first state to require public schools to include the contributions of LGBT people in social studies curricula. We take you to the classroom of Mr. Mitchell a couple of years from now, as he adds the new material to his AP American history class. Mr. Mitchell: I assume you all [...]

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Nice Guys Bore Me – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 15:59:02 +0000

Dear Michael: I feel like a stereotype, but it’s true: I only want men I can’t have, and then when I get them (which I usually do), I don’t want them anymore. Nice guys bore me, and I end up alone most of the time. Confused in California Dear Mr. Confused: This is an easy [...]

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Proud of the LGBT Movement? You bet!

OIA Staff — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 16:09:56 +0000

In the days after California voters approved Proposition 8 in 2008, the measure that stripped away from gay and lesbian couples the freedom to marry, people began talking about how progress had stalled, and how the organizations that were supposed to be advancing the cause of LGBT rights had become ineffectual. As we celebrate the [...]

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Pride Notes to Self – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 15:45:05 +0000

I had a peachy time marching in Seattle’s Pride parade. My partner Anne and I, members of a Unitarian Universalist church in Seattle, marched with a host of Unitarians representing churches from all over Puget Sound. Now it behooves me to make a few notes about this year’s experience, just to ensure next year things [...]

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Should I Stay or Should I Go? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 17:00:37 +0000

Often clients ask me, “Should I stay with my partner or should I go?” This is obviously not a question I can answer for them, so I help them look at the big picture – their expectations, the reality of their relationship, their old patterns – to help them make their decision. Many people feel [...]

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Google Hides the Gay Google Doodle

OIA Staff — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 17:42:00 +0000

GLBT activists are calling foul to a hidden Google Doodle celebrating June pride month. Google doodles have for years celebrated a myriad of different events, from Alfred Hitchcock’s birthday to Braille. This June for pride month Google tipped its hat to the rainbow, but instead of placing the doodle on the homepage as is standard [...]

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Let My People Kiss – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 17:54:58 +0000

Among the security guards at Target Field in Minneapolis, one stands out for his overriding moral concerns. The fellow is a little tin Moses, and the stadium is his Mount Sinai. With mustard and relish. Taylor Campione and Kelsi Culpepper encountered him when they decided to take in a Minnesota Twins game on May 27. [...]

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Flying the Colors – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 14:59:17 +0000

At the start of June, citizens of Richmond, Va., noticed an addition to the flagpole outside the Federal Reserve Bank of Richmond. Underneath the American flag waved a rainbow flag. The two banners, Old Glory and Newish Pride-y, flapped in the breeze. Then gums flapped, too, and within seconds Richmond had its very own flag [...]

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The Best Way to Break Up – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 15:48:31 +0000

Dear Michael: I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years. I can’t believe I was with him that long, he has been so abusive for most of that time. He’s crazy, literally. I think he’s bipolar. He threatens me one day and then begs me to come back the next day. Recently, I [...]

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Squeeze Play – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Wed, 25 May 2011 17:00:39 +0000

In just a week four male sports figures came out. From the basketball world, Rick Welts, the CEO of the Phoenix Suns, and Will Sheridan, a former player at Villanova, went public. Pro bowler Scott Norton and ESPN sports reporter Jared Max decided it was time, too. What’s going through the minds of other gay [...]

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The Joys (and Sorrows) of LGBT Coupledom – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 19 May 2011 15:30:32 +0000

Dear Michael: I am 23 years old and in my first gay relationship, I used to date girls and only recently came out. I have been with my boyfriend Evan for 5 months now. He’s my first real true love. That part’s all good. On the other hand, can you tell me why it’s so [...]

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The Nuptial News – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Wed, 11 May 2011 16:19:12 +0000

On these shores, the struggle for same-sex marriage has been as wobbly as a tipsy bride. Look at Rhode Island. Hopes were high that Little Rhody would become the sixth state to allow gay marriage. But House Speaker Gordon Fox announced the legislation wouldn’t pass the Senate, so he was backing civil unions instead. Rhode [...]

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What is “Love” Anyway? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 05 May 2011 13:45:26 +0000

I love working with LGBT couples: they come to me, wanting to improve their communications, work out problems between them and deepen their love. In couples’ therapy, one of the most helpful things I do is to help a couple examine their definition of love. Specifically, we look at the difference between “Falling in Love” [...]

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Karger Has a Shot – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 18:51:01 +0000

If you haven’t heard of Fred Karger, you have an awful lot of company. Karger is a retired political consultant from California. He’s also a gay activist, and he’s running for the presidency. As a Republican. Clearly this is a fellow who fancies adventure. Does he stand more than a Popsicle’s chance in hell? Yes, [...]

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Reinventing Dating – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 17:05:11 +0000

DATING: this word strikes terror into the hearts of many. Why? What is it about dating that we dread so? Let’s take a look and see if we can’t make the process more fun and less fearful. Whether you call it dating, hooking up, or some other phrase, let’s reinvent dating. I see all too [...]

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Pain, Suffering and Spirituality – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 16:38:51 +0000

When you read about the rich and famous “going spiritual”, e.g., going to meditation retreats, studying Buddhism in India, reading (and writing) Spiritual/New Age/Personal Growth books, what the hell is going on? Is this a true search for dealing with pain and suffering or is it mere New Age quackery? Is it just another way [...]

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Chests Out, Slogans On – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 15:14:29 +0000

In my last column I discussed the role T-shirts with slogans play in the battle over gay rights. It occurred to me, aside from the T-shirts I’ve read about that have caused ruckuses in schools and elsewhere, I don’t know what kinds of pro-gay and anti-gay T-shirts are available these days. Like a size XS [...]

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How to Stay Single and Still Love Yourself – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 13:09:11 +0000

I like to read foreign newspapers for their different points of view. Recently, in the Sunday (London) Times, reporter Joseph Dunn wrote, “There comes a point in every adult’s life when he or she must check out of Guyland…This is the place in a man’s life when he lives singly and without responsibility. It’s also [...]

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The Fabric of Our Lives – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 16:07:19 +0000

We Americans like to express ourselves with our chests. I’m not speaking of Jane Russell, or even Arnold Schwarzenegger. I’m talking about our proclivity for wearing T-shirts with slogans on them. Americans have been human billboards for decades. The slogans on T-shirts celebrate, advocate, advertise, unify, decry and polarize. Americans have lots to say—on shirts [...]

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Embracing Your Loneliness – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 14:13:32 +0000

Dear Michael: I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have everything I really want or need, but I feel strongly, deeply lonely. I wake up most mornings glad to be alive, but then I end up crying sometime during my morning jog. What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel so lonely? Lonely in [...]

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Bring Back Romance – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 15:44:37 +0000

Dear Michael: I feel like I’m living in the wrong era: I want to be romanced, wined, dined…you know, wooed (I like that old-fashioned word). I’m only 24, but I don’t want quick hookups or fast sex. I want a courtship, where we slowly get to know each other. No sex right away, but yes [...]

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The Word Is Out – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 16:28:50 +0000

At Wayne State University in Detroit, the Word Warriors wave the banner on behalf of the English language’s neglected words. Last year the Warriors released a list of words they hoped to rescue from disuse. As the obliging type, I wanted to assist the restoration effort. So I tested all 15 words to see if [...]

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Monogamy or Open-Relationship? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 14:00:28 +0000

As of this writing, same-sex couples can marry in some states of the USA and in some European countries. It’s wonderful that we have that option. However, this raises an interesting question: Now that we can get married: do we want to? Another question I hear a lot from my clients: “Whether we get married [...]

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The Sandwich-Generation Lesbian – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 17:14:39 +0000

Ever heard of the Lingerie Football League? It’s a women’s football league where the women wear helmets, shoulder pads, bras, panties and garters. Billed as “true fantasy football,” the teams have names like the Los Angeles Temptation and the Dallas Desire. If this league catered any more to men there would be cigars at halftime. [...]

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How to Fix a Saggy Sex Life – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 16:12:28 +0000

Dear Michael: I am in a 20-year relationship that, in general, is really good. The problem is that the sex has virtually disappeared, even though we both love each other a lot. We even went to a couple’s therapist but it didn’t do any good. The therapist didn’t want to talk about sex (he seemed [...]

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Scampering Through the News – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 14:13:58 +0000

You might want to do a few stretches before reading this. We’re about to race through the GLBT news, and I don’t want to be blamed if you strain something. I don’t have insurance. Ready, set, etc. Terry Jones, Florida pastor and would-be Koran burner, will be the primary speaker on the Stand Up America [...]

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Sex as Sport – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 15:05:32 +0000

There’s talk in the air – particularly among my 20-something GBT clients – of “sex as sport”. What does this mean? From what I hear, it’s about sex as an activity, like tennis or baseball…just for fun, good for exercise…no muss, no fuss…and no emotional drama. This is what I call “sex lite”. Sex without [...]

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What the Bible Really Says About Sex

OIA Staff — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 15:23:05 +0000

What does the Bible really say about sex? Two new books written by university scholars for a popular audience try to answer this question. Infuriated by the dominance in the public sphere of conservative Christians who insist that the Bible incontrovertibly supports sex within the constraints of “traditional marriage,” these authors attempt to prove otherwise. [...]

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When to Have Sex? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 13:05:27 +0000

This is one of the most frequent questions I get from clients/readers who find themselves entering the dating world. This letter is typical: Dear Michael: I’m looking for a boyfriend, but not too seriously. I am enjoying great sex a lot of the time and meet most of these guys on-line. I think that having [...]

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Where No Gays Have Gone Before – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 14:50:55 +0000

Brannon Braga, who produced many of the episodes and feature films in the “Star Trek” universe, told AfterElton.com that the franchise’s lack of gay characters was “a shame.” His new show, “Terra Nova,” so far also has no gay characters. It doesn’t strike me as all that hard to include LGBT characters in televised science [...]

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Is Sex More Psychological or Physiological? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 15:44:19 +0000

Dear Michael: I am a regular reader of your column. You often mention not to compare ourselves to others, but it seems that most men I’ve spoken to can have an orgasm with a blow job. It feels OK when someone goes down on me, I get excited and become erect, but the erection doesn’t [...]

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Celebrating Your Sexual Self – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 17:07:24 +0000

In recent years, I have given workshops with the above title, and these workshops have been extremely popular. In some cities I was asked to come back and do the workshop again because participants wanted their friends to experience it. So, obviously, this is an important topic at this point in time. Why? Here’s my [...]

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Gay Stamp of Approval – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 14:50:23 +0000

I’ve kept a secret for years. Now it’s time for me to come out—as a stamp collector. I’m throwing off my shame. I’m a nerd and I’m proud! My orientation, philatelically speaking, is toward general collecting. I amass all kinds of postage stamps. Other collectors prefer to go the topical route, acquiring stamps on specific [...]

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What Is Good Sex Anyway? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 18:53:13 +0000

Dear Michael: Last week a friend of mine invited me to go with him to a sex party. I’ve never been to one before. It was in someone’s house and there were a lot of naked men there: young and old, pretty and not so pretty. I’ve been to bathhouses before, but this was more [...]

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The 3 Musketeers of Sex: Your Mind, Heart and Genitals – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 15:36:22 +0000

In any meaningful LGBT relationship, we need to balance the desires and demands of our heart, mind and genitals. For example, when you meet someone and feel an attraction, how and when do you decide to have sex? Is it right off the bat, when your heart and mind barely know the guy? Or is [...]

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