Out in America Features» Health

Your Loyal Soldier – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 00:54:37 +0000

Bill Plotkin and Richard Rohr are two authors who inspire me. Both are leaders in what I call “common sense spirituality” and both write about the psychological concept of the “loyal soldier” Everyone has a “Loyal Soldier”. He/she is the part of your psyche that- since childhood – has protected you from harm. As adults, [...]

Read the full article @ Your Loyal Soldier – life beyond therapy

Growth is a Decision – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 02:51:23 +0000

I was listening to a CD by Texas Enneagram teacher Suzanne Stabile and she made the above statement. I think it’s particularly relevant as the new year approaches and many of us aspire to changing our lives in 2012. As a psychotherapist to the LGBT for many years’ now, I’ve observed a few developmental growth [...]

Read the full article @ Growth is a Decision – life beyond therapy

A Broken Heart – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 17:10:43 +0000

Who among us hasn’t has our heart broken, at least once? It’s impossible to get through life without it. People are unpredictable, they hurt us despite their best intentions. Pets, partners, beloved friends and relatives die. We fall in love with someone who doesn’t feel as we do. And when it happens, we’re surprised how [...]

Read the full article @ A Broken Heart – life beyond therapy

When you’re the “other” (wo)man – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 19:28:47 +0000

Dear Michael: I’ve noticed you give good advice to people in thorny situations, so here’s another one: I went to a party and met this guy, “Tom”. He was really cute and I liked him and we flirted and kissed and before I knew it we were at my house fucking like bunnies. So far, [...]

Read the full article @ When you’re the “other” (wo)man – life beyond therapy

Gay Blood Ban Faces Review, Possible Changes

OIA Staff — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 15:33:28 +0000

The long-time outright ban on gays donating blood may soon come to an end, as the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) narrowing down the areas they must study to possibly repeal of the discriminatory policy. Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) and Representative Mike Quigley (IL-05) applauded updates offered to them by the HHS [...]

Read the full article @ Gay Blood Ban Faces Review, Possible Changes

Nice Guys Bore Me – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 15:59:02 +0000

Dear Michael: I feel like a stereotype, but it’s true: I only want men I can’t have, and then when I get them (which I usually do), I don’t want them anymore. Nice guys bore me, and I end up alone most of the time. Confused in California Dear Mr. Confused: This is an easy [...]

Read the full article @ Nice Guys Bore Me – life beyond therapy

Should I Stay or Should I Go? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 17:00:37 +0000

Often clients ask me, “Should I stay with my partner or should I go?” This is obviously not a question I can answer for them, so I help them look at the big picture – their expectations, the reality of their relationship, their old patterns – to help them make their decision. Many people feel [...]

Read the full article @ Should I Stay or Should I Go? – life beyond therapy

The Best Way to Break Up – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 15:48:31 +0000

Dear Michael: I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years. I can’t believe I was with him that long, he has been so abusive for most of that time. He’s crazy, literally. I think he’s bipolar. He threatens me one day and then begs me to come back the next day. Recently, I [...]

Read the full article @ The Best Way to Break Up – life beyond therapy

The Joys (and Sorrows) of LGBT Coupledom – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 19 May 2011 15:30:32 +0000

Dear Michael: I am 23 years old and in my first gay relationship, I used to date girls and only recently came out. I have been with my boyfriend Evan for 5 months now. He’s my first real true love. That part’s all good. On the other hand, can you tell me why it’s so [...]

Read the full article @ The Joys (and Sorrows) of LGBT Coupledom – life beyond therapy

What is “Love” Anyway? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 05 May 2011 13:45:26 +0000

I love working with LGBT couples: they come to me, wanting to improve their communications, work out problems between them and deepen their love. In couples’ therapy, one of the most helpful things I do is to help a couple examine their definition of love. Specifically, we look at the difference between “Falling in Love” [...]

Read the full article @ What is “Love” Anyway? – life beyond therapy

Pain, Suffering and Spirituality – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 16:38:51 +0000

When you read about the rich and famous “going spiritual”, e.g., going to meditation retreats, studying Buddhism in India, reading (and writing) Spiritual/New Age/Personal Growth books, what the hell is going on? Is this a true search for dealing with pain and suffering or is it mere New Age quackery? Is it just another way [...]

Read the full article @ Pain, Suffering and Spirituality – life beyond therapy

Britain To Lift Gay Blood Ban

OIA Staff — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 19:20:36 +0000

Health officials in Britain announced on Sunday that gay men will soon be allowed to donate blood for the first time. There’s a caveat, however. Only gay men who have not been sexuality active with another man for 10 years will be allowed to donate blood. That is, the ban will remain in effect for [...]

Read the full article @ Britain To Lift Gay Blood Ban

Embracing Your Loneliness – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 14:13:32 +0000

Dear Michael: I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have everything I really want or need, but I feel strongly, deeply lonely. I wake up most mornings glad to be alive, but then I end up crying sometime during my morning jog. What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel so lonely? Lonely in [...]

Read the full article @ Embracing Your Loneliness – life beyond therapy

Bring Back Romance – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 15:44:37 +0000

Dear Michael: I feel like I’m living in the wrong era: I want to be romanced, wined, dined…you know, wooed (I like that old-fashioned word). I’m only 24, but I don’t want quick hookups or fast sex. I want a courtship, where we slowly get to know each other. No sex right away, but yes [...]

Read the full article @ Bring Back Romance – life beyond therapy

Monogamy or Open-Relationship? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 14:00:28 +0000

As of this writing, same-sex couples can marry in some states of the USA and in some European countries. It’s wonderful that we have that option. However, this raises an interesting question: Now that we can get married: do we want to? Another question I hear a lot from my clients: “Whether we get married [...]

Read the full article @ Monogamy or Open-Relationship? – life beyond therapy

How to Fix a Saggy Sex Life – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 16:12:28 +0000

Dear Michael: I am in a 20-year relationship that, in general, is really good. The problem is that the sex has virtually disappeared, even though we both love each other a lot. We even went to a couple’s therapist but it didn’t do any good. The therapist didn’t want to talk about sex (he seemed [...]

Read the full article @ How to Fix a Saggy Sex Life – life beyond therapy

Sex as Sport – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 15:05:32 +0000

There’s talk in the air – particularly among my 20-something GBT clients – of “sex as sport”. What does this mean? From what I hear, it’s about sex as an activity, like tennis or baseball…just for fun, good for exercise…no muss, no fuss…and no emotional drama. This is what I call “sex lite”. Sex without [...]

Read the full article @ Sex as Sport – life beyond therapy

Celebrating Your Sexual Self – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 17:07:24 +0000

In recent years, I have given workshops with the above title, and these workshops have been extremely popular. In some cities I was asked to come back and do the workshop again because participants wanted their friends to experience it. So, obviously, this is an important topic at this point in time. Why? Here’s my [...]

Read the full article @ Celebrating Your Sexual Self – life beyond therapy

What Is Good Sex Anyway? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 18:53:13 +0000

Dear Michael: Last week a friend of mine invited me to go with him to a sex party. I’ve never been to one before. It was in someone’s house and there were a lot of naked men there: young and old, pretty and not so pretty. I’ve been to bathhouses before, but this was more [...]

Read the full article @ What Is Good Sex Anyway? – life beyond therapy

The 3 Musketeers of Sex: Your Mind, Heart and Genitals – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 15:36:22 +0000

In any meaningful LGBT relationship, we need to balance the desires and demands of our heart, mind and genitals. For example, when you meet someone and feel an attraction, how and when do you decide to have sex? Is it right off the bat, when your heart and mind barely know the guy? Or is [...]

Read the full article @ The 3 Musketeers of Sex: Your Mind, Heart and Genitals – life beyond therapy

Tired of the Same Old-Same Old? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 18:35:00 +0000

Dear Michael: Today I sat down to make my New Year’s resolutions and instead decided to Email you. I feel really discouraged. These are the same as last year’s and the year before that. No matter what I do, I can never make them happen. They’re just wishes and hopes that never come true. Here [...]

Read the full article @ Tired of the Same Old-Same Old? – life beyond therapy

FDA Approves New One-Minute Result HIV Test

OIA Staff — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 15:47:21 +0000

A drug company has been given approval by the FDA to market an HIV test that provides results in 60 seconds; most rapid tests take about 15 to 30 minutes. “We believe the speed, accuracy, and unique technology of our 60-second HIV test will make the testing and early treatment of HIV/AIDS more efficient in [...]

Read the full article @ FDA Approves New One-Minute Result HIV Test

Daily Dose of HIV Drug Reduces Risk of HIV Infection

OIA Staff — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 15:16:41 +0000

A daily dose of an oral antiretroviral drug, currently approved to treat HIV infection, reduced the risk of acquiring HIV infection by 43.8 percent among men who have sex with men. The findings, a major advance in HIV prevention research, come from a large international clinical trial published online Nov. 23 by the New England [...]

Read the full article @ Daily Dose of HIV Drug Reduces Risk of HIV Infection

Living Out: On Being HIV Positive in the Workplace

OIA Staff — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 18:43:03 +0000

Photo Courtesy: Tyler Helms Editor’s Note: At 29, Tyler Helms is a former television journalist-turned-award-winning advertising executive. Originally form Atlanta, GA, he is currently a vice president and group account director at Deutsch Inc. and lives full-time in New York City. Outside of Deutsch, Helms writes a column for The Advocate called “Living the Questions.” He [...]

Read the full article @ Living Out: On Being HIV Positive in the Workplace

Grief, Shock And Suicide – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 17:58:30 +0000

Death is a part of life, yet somehow we all do our best to avoid thinking about it. Even though none of us gets out of this life alive, it sure is tempting to think that, somehow, maybe we won’t have to. Illogical? Sure. But it’s a way to cope. And yet, we will all [...]

Read the full article @ Grief, Shock And Suicide – life beyond therapy

Your Own Worst Enemy – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 20:40:05 +0000

Are you a jealous person? What makes you jealous? Jealousy is a form of self-sabotage. It rarely helps you get what you want. Jealousy usually is a sign that something is “off” in you. Not necessarily in others; but in you. Sure, you may have reasons to be concerned about a friend, job or lover. [...]

Read the full article @ Your Own Worst Enemy – life beyond therapy

How A Hook-Up Can Open Your Heart – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 13:03:25 +0000

What happens when you meet someone through a sexual experience and then discover that there might be more…much more. How do you turn sex into love? Or can you? As a psychotherapist with a practice largely of Gay/Bi/Trans men, I encourage my clients to see a good relationship as a marriage (pun intended) of mind, [...]

Read the full article @ How A Hook-Up Can Open Your Heart – life beyond therapy

How to Get the Body of the Moment

OIA Staff — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 16:48:36 +0000

The new masculine ideal is trim, but not thin, muscular but not top- heavy. To achieve this physique, many guys are adopting an unlikely approach: women’s workouts. That’s right! From Core Fusion to Downward Facing Dog, Details.com has the fitness techniques men are stealing from the ladies! And if you can’t make it to one [...]

Read the full article @ How to Get the Body of the Moment

Coping With Change And Major Life Upsets – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 16:42:33 +0000

In this crazy economic time, so many people have lost their jobs, their homes, their stock portfolios, their retirement monies. How can we cope with change and major upsets in our lives? What do we do when we’re scared shitless about the present and/or the future? Even if the changes are “good” (e.g., you’ve found [...]

Read the full article @ Coping With Change And Major Life Upsets – life beyond therapy

Love, Sex and Hollywood – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 17:41:13 +0000

If you’re a big fan of the movies, as I am, you’re more than familiar with Hollywood’s ideas of Love. In the movies, “falling in love” implies that we’re passive and helpless. It just kind of happens to you, if you’re lucky and all the planets are aligned just right. In real life, it doesn’t [...]

Read the full article @ Love, Sex and Hollywood – life beyond therapy

Self Esteem – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 15:26:37 +0000

A lot of new clients tell me that they have lousy self-esteem…when someone gives them a compliment, they can’t let it in. I think most of us have troubles with self-esteem (myself included), so let’s look at what it is and how we can cultivate it. Self-esteem is how we “esteem” ourselves: what we think [...]

Read the full article @ Self Esteem – life beyond therapy

Right wing radio host thinks government should ‘regulate homosexuality’

OIA Staff — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 13:20:16 +0000

Evangelical radio host David Barton wondered yesterday why the United States, with its various governmental branches, doesn’t start “regulating homosexuality.” Barton said: We have a Department of Health and Human Services; we have health care bills; we have health insurance and we’re trying to stop all unhealthy things so we’re going after transfats and we’re [...]

Read the full article @ Right wing radio host thinks government should ‘regulate homosexuality’

Betrayal – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 13:00:08 +0000

What happens when people dump us, lie to us, betray us? Friends may leave us behind, lovers fade away, bosses fire us without warning. Often, we feel helpless and betrayed. We may feel like we’ve been a victim of a hit & run where the other driver isn’t taking any responsibility; he/she (your former friend/boss/lover/etc.) [...]

Read the full article @ Betrayal – life beyond therapy

Do you need a therapist? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 13:00:56 +0000

Recently, I got a phone call from a young man who said: “A friend of mine told me that he was tired of hearing me bitch all the time about the same problems over and over and that I should see a therapist. I’ve never gone to a therapist: what exactly do you do?” I [...]

Read the full article @ Do you need a therapist? – life beyond therapy

I’ll get hurt – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 13:00:05 +0000

Have you ever met anyone whose heart had never been broken? Me neither. And yet, some people are terrified to date, socialize or fall in love because “I’ll get hurt”. A new client of mine came in and basically told me this story: “I’m such an idiot. I fell in love with this guy who [...]

Read the full article @ I’ll get hurt – life beyond therapy

I hate condoms – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 15:33:32 +0000

In my private practice, it is amazing how many Gay/Bi/Trans men tell me that they hate condoms. People say how much better anal sex is without them, it feels better, is more spontaneous…you’ve heard this too, I’m sure. Given all this, how can we make peace with condoms? I suggest that you consider NOT seeing [...]

Read the full article @ I hate condoms – life beyond therapy

HIV spread out of control among French gay men

OIA Staff — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 14:20:17 +0000

Transmission of the AIDS virus seems to be “out of control” among gay men in France despite an overall fall in the number of new HIV cases in the country, according to a study published on Thursday. Scientists from the French National Institute for Public Health Surveillance found that nearly half of the 7,000 people [...]

Read the full article @ HIV spread out of control among French gay men

Anger: A Wake-Up Call – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 16:03:55 +0000

Does traffic piss you off? Do you get easily irritated at other people? Have you ever wondered if you need “anger management” classes? And what exactly is “anger management”? Let’s talk a bit about what anger is and how to work with it. When someone treats you badly, it’s natural and healthy to feel angry. [...]

Read the full article @ Anger: A Wake-Up Call – life beyond therapy

When your parents are horrible – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 15:03:43 +0000

You can divorce an abusive spouse. You can call it quits if your lover mistreats you. But what can you do if the main source of your misery is your parents? No parent is perfect. But just as there are ordinary good-enough parents who mysteriously produce a difficult child, there are some decent people who [...]

Read the full article @ When your parents are horrible – life beyond therapy

Am I codependent? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 13:19:47 +0000

People use the word “codependent” all the time, but seldom does anyone define what it really means. Not only do we have Codependent Anonymous 12-step meetings (useful) but we also have all those stupid TV shows that label anyone vaguely helpful as “hopelessly codependent” (not useful). Codependent: the word has become meaningless. But, I’d like [...]

Read the full article @ Am I codependent? – life beyond therapy

Embodying Fatherhood – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 14:34:16 +0000

Years ago I was asked to write an article for a Honolulu gay newspaper about “fathers”. I can’t find the article, but I remember talking about the idea that fatherhood is a quality not determined by gender or genetics. To me, fatherhood is the ability to encourage, nurture, protect, support and serve as a role [...]

Read the full article @ Embodying Fatherhood – life beyond therapy

Beautifully Bisexual – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 17:12:33 +0000

Recently, at a social gathering, a fabulous woman came up to me and said, “So, you, Mr. Psychologist…why don’t you ever write anything about us bisexuals? Your columns always neglect us.” So, here, to address her request, is a column about being “beautifully bisexual.” A while back I had a client who described herself as [...]

Read the full article @ Beautifully Bisexual – life beyond therapy

Why are gay relationships so hard? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 13:11:15 +0000

A client of mine is in his early 20’s and experiencing his first gay relationship. He’s recently come out and is very happy with his first boyfriend. However, he asked me last week: “Why are gay relationships so hard?” He is shocked how much work a relationship is and asked me for some advice to [...]

Read the full article @ Why are gay relationships so hard? – life beyond therapy

Feeling Fatherless – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 18:11:15 +0000

Some people have wonderful fathers and a great relationship. Others do not. I have a client who said that he has no relationship with his father. Another client told me, “When I came out as bisexual, my father basically disowned me”. Another client of mine, who came out as transsexual several years ago, has a [...]

Read the full article @ Feeling Fatherless – life beyond therapy

Pelosi: Obama Administration’s National HIV/AIDS Strategy Is First Comprehensive Plan to Reduce Impact of HIV/AIDS

OIA Staff — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 13:37:39 +0000

Speaker Nancy Pelosi issued the following statement applauding the Obama Administration’s release of the National HIV/AIDS Strategy: “The National HIV/AIDS Strategy represents the nation’s first comprehensive plan to reduce the impact of HIV/AIDS in this country. The strategy sets specific targets and provides detailed implementation information on the steps we must take to increase access [...]

Read the full article @ Pelosi: Obama Administration’s National HIV/AIDS Strategy Is First Comprehensive Plan to Reduce Impact of HIV/AIDS

Scared of the gym? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 13:11:20 +0000

Here are some of the most popular reasons I hear for not working out at a gym: I’m too depressed I have avoided working out for years I’m too fat and out of shape to go I don’t know how to use the equipment there I feel intimidated by how good-looking everyone else is If [...]

Read the full article @ Scared of the gym? – life beyond therapy

Getting along with difficult people – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 17:48:34 +0000

No matter how wonderful your life is, it’s impossible to avoid difficult people. These unpleasant folks may be your neighbors, coworkers, family, clients, boss or even your partner. Regardless of who they are, how are you going to get along with them? You can’t just blow them off and run away (they have a way [...]

Read the full article @ Getting along with difficult people – life beyond therapy

Economy Wreaks Havoc on Federal AIDS Drug Program

OIA Staff — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 17:18:35 +0000

The weak economy is crippling the government program that provides life-sustaining antiretroviral drugs to people with H.I.V. or AIDS who cannot afford them. Nearly 1,800 have been relegated to rapidly expanding waiting lists that less than three years ago had dwindled to zero. As with other safety-net programs, ballooning demand caused by persistent unemployment and [...]

Read the full article @ Economy Wreaks Havoc on Federal AIDS Drug Program

Google to Add Pay to Cover a Tax for Same-Sex Benefits

OIA Staff — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 17:14:37 +0000

On Thursday, Google is going to begin covering a cost that gay and lesbian employees must pay when their partners receive domestic partner health benefits, largely to compensate them for an extra tax that heterosexual married couples do not pay. The increase will be retroactive to the beginning of the year. On average, employees with [...]

Read the full article @ Google to Add Pay to Cover a Tax for Same-Sex Benefits

I’m Fat – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 16:41:18 +0000

Here is a recent email I received (with details changed for confidentiality): Dear Michael: I am 35 years old, 5’11” and I weigh 280 pounds. I’ve weighed this much most of my adult life. I know why, it’s no mystery. I love to eat. Food is my friend, my best friend. After dating other gay [...]

Read the full article @ I’m Fat – life beyond therapy