Out in America Features» relationship

Psychological Santa to the Rescue! – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:22:34 +0000

For lots of people, December is the month from hell: this time of year often brings crazy-scary sets of expectations and dread. We are bombarded with media images encouraging us to buy stuff and to be happy…and if we don’t, we’re failures. This is a sure set-up for depression and disappointment. But, never fear! Allow [...]

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Finding Your Perfect Partner – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 17:03:15 +0000

Over the past few years, I have done quite a few workshops on this topic: it appears to be a never-ending challenge for us all. We all have this idea of the “perfect” partner, and many of us feel disappointed and even annoyed when we don’t get him or her. A few questions to get [...]

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First Gay Marriage is Seen as Frist Step in Cuba

OIA Staff — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 18:18:32 +0000

Havana, Cuba – On a sweltering, rainy afternoon in Havana Ignacio Estrada, a gay man who is also HIV positive, and Wendy Iriepa, a transgendered woman, became the first gay couple to be legally married in Cuba. The couple said their marriage was a present to Fidel Castro who celebrated his 85th birthday on the [...]

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Same Gender Means Some Problems – General Gayety

OIA Staff — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 18:08:26 +0000

You might enter into a same-sex relationship thinking you know all the troubles that lie ahead. Discrimination, rejection by family and friends, spending eternity in hell—none of that is news. But I’ll bet you never considered the bundle of difficulties caused by being in a relationship with someone who’s a lot like you. Someone with [...]

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A Broken Heart – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 17:10:43 +0000

Who among us hasn’t has our heart broken, at least once? It’s impossible to get through life without it. People are unpredictable, they hurt us despite their best intentions. Pets, partners, beloved friends and relatives die. We fall in love with someone who doesn’t feel as we do. And when it happens, we’re surprised how [...]

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When you’re the “other” (wo)man – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 19:28:47 +0000

Dear Michael: I’ve noticed you give good advice to people in thorny situations, so here’s another one: I went to a party and met this guy, “Tom”. He was really cute and I liked him and we flirted and kissed and before I knew it we were at my house fucking like bunnies. So far, [...]

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The 3 Year Itch – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 16:49:11 +0000

“I’m so bored with him.” “The excitement’s gone”. “She’s so predictable; I know exactly what she’ll do.” Sound familiar? These statements are typical of how some of my clients describe their long-term relationships. Those of you who have never had one, pay attention: you may be able to avoid future problems coming your way. While [...]

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How to Stay Single and Still Love Yourself – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 13:09:11 +0000

I like to read foreign newspapers for their different points of view. Recently, in the Sunday (London) Times, reporter Joseph Dunn wrote, “There comes a point in every adult’s life when he or she must check out of Guyland…This is the place in a man’s life when he lives singly and without responsibility. It’s also [...]

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Bring Back Romance – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 15:44:37 +0000

Dear Michael: I feel like I’m living in the wrong era: I want to be romanced, wined, dined…you know, wooed (I like that old-fashioned word). I’m only 24, but I don’t want quick hookups or fast sex. I want a courtship, where we slowly get to know each other. No sex right away, but yes [...]

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Facebook Now Recognizes Civil Unions, Domestic Partnerships

OIA Staff — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 22:11:21 +0000

Sometimes, websites like Facebook or Google make the tiniest change and it makes headlines. This is one of those times. Today, Facebook added two new options to its list of relationship status possibilities: “In a civil union” and “In a domestic partnership.” via. Read the full article @ Facebook Now Recognizes Civil Unions, Domestic Partnerships [...]

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Sex as Sport – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 15:05:32 +0000

There’s talk in the air – particularly among my 20-something GBT clients – of “sex as sport”. What does this mean? From what I hear, it’s about sex as an activity, like tennis or baseball…just for fun, good for exercise…no muss, no fuss…and no emotional drama. This is what I call “sex lite”. Sex without [...]

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Your Own Worst Enemy – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 20:40:05 +0000

Are you a jealous person? What makes you jealous? Jealousy is a form of self-sabotage. It rarely helps you get what you want. Jealousy usually is a sign that something is “off” in you. Not necessarily in others; but in you. Sure, you may have reasons to be concerned about a friend, job or lover. [...]

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How A Hook-Up Can Open Your Heart – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 13:03:25 +0000

What happens when you meet someone through a sexual experience and then discover that there might be more…much more. How do you turn sex into love? Or can you? As a psychotherapist with a practice largely of Gay/Bi/Trans men, I encourage my clients to see a good relationship as a marriage (pun intended) of mind, [...]

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Betrayal – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 13:00:08 +0000

What happens when people dump us, lie to us, betray us? Friends may leave us behind, lovers fade away, bosses fire us without warning. Often, we feel helpless and betrayed. We may feel like we’ve been a victim of a hit & run where the other driver isn’t taking any responsibility; he/she (your former friend/boss/lover/etc.) [...]

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Do you need a therapist? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 13:00:56 +0000

Recently, I got a phone call from a young man who said: “A friend of mine told me that he was tired of hearing me bitch all the time about the same problems over and over and that I should see a therapist. I’ve never gone to a therapist: what exactly do you do?” I [...]

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I’ll get hurt – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 13:00:05 +0000

Have you ever met anyone whose heart had never been broken? Me neither. And yet, some people are terrified to date, socialize or fall in love because “I’ll get hurt”. A new client of mine came in and basically told me this story: “I’m such an idiot. I fell in love with this guy who [...]

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I hate condoms – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 15:33:32 +0000

In my private practice, it is amazing how many Gay/Bi/Trans men tell me that they hate condoms. People say how much better anal sex is without them, it feels better, is more spontaneous…you’ve heard this too, I’m sure. Given all this, how can we make peace with condoms? I suggest that you consider NOT seeing [...]

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Vatican dignitary says gay marriage is ‘like decaffinated coffee’

OIA Staff — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 16:36:18 +0000

A Vatican official travelling in Mexico has condemned the country’s capital for legalising same-sex marriages, saying that such unions are only an imitation of heterosexual marriages. According to Mexico El Universal, Father Gonzalo Miranda, a bioethics professor at Regina Apostolorum University, a pontifical institution, said: “A gay relationship is like decaffinated coffee, you do not [...]

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Anger: A Wake-Up Call – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 16:03:55 +0000

Does traffic piss you off? Do you get easily irritated at other people? Have you ever wondered if you need “anger management” classes? And what exactly is “anger management”? Let’s talk a bit about what anger is and how to work with it. When someone treats you badly, it’s natural and healthy to feel angry. [...]

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When your parents are horrible – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 15:03:43 +0000

You can divorce an abusive spouse. You can call it quits if your lover mistreats you. But what can you do if the main source of your misery is your parents? No parent is perfect. But just as there are ordinary good-enough parents who mysteriously produce a difficult child, there are some decent people who [...]

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Why are gay relationships so hard? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 13:11:15 +0000

A client of mine is in his early 20’s and experiencing his first gay relationship. He’s recently come out and is very happy with his first boyfriend. However, he asked me last week: “Why are gay relationships so hard?” He is shocked how much work a relationship is and asked me for some advice to [...]

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Feeling Fatherless – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 18:11:15 +0000

Some people have wonderful fathers and a great relationship. Others do not. I have a client who said that he has no relationship with his father. Another client told me, “When I came out as bisexual, my father basically disowned me”. Another client of mine, who came out as transsexual several years ago, has a [...]

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I’m Fat – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 16:41:18 +0000

Here is a recent email I received (with details changed for confidentiality): Dear Michael: I am 35 years old, 5’11” and I weigh 280 pounds. I’ve weighed this much most of my adult life. I know why, it’s no mystery. I love to eat. Food is my friend, my best friend. After dating other gay [...]

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Why can’t I sleep? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 16:11:39 +0000

So many of my clients (and friends) complain about poor sleep or lack of sleep. Why do so many of us not sleep long, well and deeply? What’s going on here? According to research, the average person (whoever he or she is) sleeps 6 to 8 hours a night, almost 50 hours a week, and [...]

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Bringing Back Romance – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 17:54:17 +0000

Plenty of people have focused on bringing “sexy” back. But, perhaps it’s time to dig a little deeper. What about romance? You know, that desire to be wined, dined, paid attention to, courted, wooed (I like that old-fashioned word). I hear from a lot of clients in their 20’s and early 30’s that they’re over [...]

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Lesbian Mom: Son Rejected From Catholic School

OIA Staff — Thu, 13 May 2010 17:08:45 +0000

Another Catholic school is denying an 8-year-old boy an education over his lesbian mothers. The woman, who did not wish to be identified because she’s worried about repercussions against her child, said St. Paul’s Church in Hingham told her Monday that it was rescinding her son’s acceptance into the third grade this fall because her gay relationship [...]

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Church Reinstates Gay Clergy

OIA Staff — Wed, 05 May 2010 13:36:33 +0000

The Chicago-based Evangelical Lutheran Church in America is reinstating a gay pastor and his partner. Their case was at the center of the church’s debate over gay clergy. When Rev. Bradley Schmeling revealed his committed relationship with Rev. Darin Easler, he ended up being tried in church court, and taken off the roster. But his [...]

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Sonoma County CA separates elderly gay couple and sells all their possessions

OIA Staff — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 14:40:42 +0000

There is nothing more personal than how we wish to spend our final years. After decades with our loved ones there should be no dispute that we should get to spend our final moments together. Unfortunately Sonoma County, CA treated Harold and Clay as if they were strangers. Harold was 88 and Clay was 77 [...]

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Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels Separated

OIA Staff — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 16:39:35 +0000

Tammy Lynn Michaels announced on her blog yesterday that she and her partner Melissa Etheridge have separated. This does not come as a huge surprise as Michaels has been posting blogs that are narrowly veiled attacks on Melissa and their deteriorating relationship. [ via Lez Get Real ] Read the full article @ Melissa Etheridge [...]

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Gay and lesbian adults more likely to age alone

OIA Staff — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 17:06:18 +0000

A new survey of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender baby boomers shows they are less likely to be in a relationship than non-gay boomers and more likely to be concerned about caring for themselves as they age. Yet, the survey of 2,400 adults age 45 to 64 — half of them heterosexual — found that [...]

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Mr. Faithful – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 17:00:25 +0000

I’d like to share an email with you, as I think that the writer has some interesting ideas to consider: Dear Michael: Why is there so much emphasis on sex in the gay community? I was in a long-term relationship that recently ended. I was faithful to my boyfriend and (to my knowledge) he was [...]

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Xbox Live: It is now OK to mention your sexuality without getting banned

OIA Staff — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 17:38:41 +0000

Xbox 360 players can now use the following words to ‘express their relationship orientation’ in profiles and Gamertags; ‘Lesbian’, ‘Gay’, ‘Bi’, ‘Transgender’ and ‘Straight’. “I’d like to announce an update to the Xbox LIVE Terms of Use and Code of Conduct which will allow our members to more freely express their race, nationality, religion and [...]

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Self-Love: life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 19:43:30 +0000

I have clients who tell me that it’s painful for them to walk down the street and see all those happy LGBT (or straight) couples. “It makes me feel so lonely and unwanted”, they say. When you’re single, and people around you “appear” (and I use that word deliberately) to be much happier than you, [...]

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The Psychology of Gaining Weight

OIA Staff — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 17:09:18 +0000

Recently, a local news program interviewed me about why people gain weight. Weight gain (and loss) is, for many of us, right up there with sex and money on the anxiety scale. Anxiety and weight gain are linked. As the level of general anxiety continues to rise in our society, the rate of obesity rises. [...]

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Is Avatar a Trans-Phobic Movie? Or Merely Staying True to Evolution?

OIA Staff — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 16:11:42 +0000

Two weeks ago, a young transgender Bay Area blogger named Lara called for a nationwide protest against Avatar because, she claimed, the movie ignores “ignores the fact of Evolution. Humans are evolving to be being Transgender, NOT heterosexual.” While Lara mistakenly confuses gender identity with sexual orientation, she’s hinged her debate on believing the film’s [...]

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Was Professor Don Belton Murdered Over a Rape? Or Regrets Over a Relationship?

OIA Staff — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 16:55:21 +0000

As if the Sunday morning murder of Anthony J. Perkins, the gay D.C. man found shot to death in his car, weren’t enough terrible news this holiday, here’s word that 53-year-old Don Belton, a Indiana University assistant professor and accomplished writer, has been stabbed to death with a 10-inch blade… The Chicago Tribune reports: Michael [...]

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Which One of You Is The Man and Which One The Woman?

OIA Staff — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 18:00:05 +0000

Which one of you is the man and which one the woman? This question never fails to bemuse. We’re both gay men. Doesn’t that kind of make it clear that neither of us is the woman? People never seem to realise how homophobic this question is. It completely invalidates and devalues gay relationships – that [...]

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Ron Livingston: ‘Office Space’ Star Battles ‘Malicious’ Gay Rumors Online

OIA Staff — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 15:26:30 +0000

Wikipedia doesn’t always get it right. At least, that’s what actor Ron Livingston wants you to believe. The star, who played is a disgruntled employee in the movie “Office Space,” is suing an unnamed Internet mischief-maker for spreading ‘malicious’ rumors online that the actor is gay. According to TMZ, the online prankster has repeatedly hacked [...]

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Stop Hating Yourself: The Joys of Getting Older – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 17:18:12 +0000

It seems like an epidemic: we’re all becoming older and feeling that we’re becoming more-and-more invisible. I get a lot of emails from mid-life gay men (and a few women) saying some version of: “I am physically aging much faster than I’d hoped (wrinkles, love handles, receding hairline, expanding belly). Who’s going to want me [...]

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Are Twilight: New Moon’s Muscled Wolf Boys a Pack of Gays?

OIA Staff — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 19:21:28 +0000

That’s the question reviewers are trying to answer, based on a line in the script about “lifestyle choice” and being “born this way” The Times writes: “The rest of New Moon concerns Bella’s growing relationship with local beefcake Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner). The latter though, in another telegraphed allegory, is struggling with his sexual orientation [...]

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Did You Fall Off the “Bad Dating Habits” Wagon?

OIA Staff — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:20:35 +0000

So….HABITS! Hmmpphhhh! Habit’s can really be hard to break, right? Actually, they are quite painful, and in fact, bad habits are very stressful to one’s life. HUGE life shortner. If you’re a smoker, you’ve tried quitting countless times only to find yourself bumming just “ONE MORE – and that’s it” ciggy from a co-worker and [...]

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Can You Buy Happiness? – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 10:00:05 +0000

Please consider the following question: “Do we see ourselves as people with aspirations of patience and empathy towards our brothers and sisters or – instead – as consumers who are entitled to the best stuff this world has to offer, so we’d better get out there and get as much of it as we can?” [...]

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Cultivating a Sense of Humor – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 13:56:09 +0000

Perhaps only God Herself is more important than humor. Seriously. Psychological research has found that when people list the qualities they desire in a partner, a good sense of humor consistently shows up near the top. For some of us, a good sense of humor is more important than physical appearance or socioeconomic status. Why? [...]

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New study offers first demographic picture of same-sex spouses

OIA Staff — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:05:58 +0000

For the first time, the Census Bureau has released data in which same-sex couples who refer to one another as “husband” or “wife” are differentiated from those who refer to one another as “unmarried partners.” This study is the first to examine the difference and similarities among same-sex couples and married different-sex couples in the [...]

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Maggie Gallagher Admits: A Gay Relationship Is Better Than Her Marriage

OIA Staff — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:12:03 +0000

Maggie Gallagher’s disdain for Marriage Equality New York board president Cathy Marino-Thomas was palpable. The feeling, we’re guessing, was mutual. The two shared the stage at Hofstra University’s “Day of Dialogue,” and even outside the confines of a 30-second spot, Gallagher was still trafficking in misinformation. And eye rolls. … But here’s the soundbite we’re [...]

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The “D” Word – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:14:14 +0000

Is it a weakness to feel depressed? What is depression anyway? Does it show up differently for men than for women? These are questions I hear a lot of in my private practice. So many of my male clients talk about depression without really knowing what it is. In the past couple of years, psychological [...]

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5 Relationship Myths (and How To Break Them) – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:40:17 +0000

In the interest of furthering happy and healthy LGBT relationships, I’d like to share with you five long-held relationship myths and why it’s psychologically healthy to break them. Despite the hundreds of self-help books out on the shelves, there’s a lot of impractical and impossible advice given by the “experts”. After years in this business [...]

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Falling vs. Standing In Love – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 15:04:39 +0000

I love working with LGBT couples: they come to me, wanting to improve their communications, work out problems between them and deepen their love. In couples’ therapy, one of the most helpful things I do is to help the couple examine their definition of love. Specifically, we look at the difference between “Falling in Love” [...]

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Census Bureau: 150,000 Same-Sex Couples Report as Married in 2008

OIA Staff — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 19:10:12 +0000

Offering a preview of what’s to come in the 2010 Census, the Census Bureau has reported that almost 150,000 couples reported being in marriages last year: “About 27 percent of the estimated 564,743 total gay couples in the United States said they were in a relationship akin to ‘husband’ and ‘wife,’ according to the Census [...]

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“Do I Drink Too Much?” – life beyond therapy

OIA Staff — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 15:40:41 +0000

When I first meet a new client, one of the questions I ask him/her is “how much do you drink?” Over the years, I have gotten some pretty amazing answers. Some of the more memorable ones include, “Just enough until I black out so I can sleep” and “Not very much, just a bottle of [...]

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